TW: ableism, potential internalized ableism? vague s/h mentions, death-hoping thoughts

Sorry for another negative post today. I am just tired. I've been struggling to accept the possibility I might be disabled... I mean. I technically fit the criteria. Maybe not legally, but in some ways I do. But it is all so. I'm very wishy-washy about using the label for myself. I feel like nobody would take me seriously if I said I was disabled. I feel especially worried actual disabled people will think I'm being silly or overdramatic. And I don't really want to encroach into spaces I don't belong.

I just feel guilty thinking about it. Even though I do struggle with a lot of things, I always feel I don't struggle enough. I feel like I would know or be more sure if I was really struggling. I think I might just be too sensitive and too nice to myself. And lazy.

There are people out there who faint and still don't call themselves disabled, and I just feel silly and overdramatic for even considering I could be. There are people who are in pain every day and I'll be complaining when working makes my body hurt. I just feel ungrateful and oversensitive.

But even when my struggles don't seem as bad as others', that isn't to say I don't struggle at all. I can't remember the last time I put my laundry in my drawers from my basket, or the last time I brushed my teeth (ew or whatever.) I manage to shower when I need to (though I usually sit for a part of the time and seldomly actually wash my hair properly) and also am able to brush my hair (though admittedly, I used to not be able to without getting dizzy...) I struggle to clean my room or look for things without feeling dizzy or fatigued afterwards. Sometimes foods will hurt my stomach a lot, among other issues, but I have never been able to figure out what the issue with that is. Everything in general just seems to exhaust me. Sometimes it will be 11 AM and I will already want to take a nap. But usually I don't feel that way until 3 or 4 PM.

I think it took me so long to realize I might be semi-verbal because it isn't necessarily social situations that keep me from speaking. I am able to mask a lot (for better or for worse) and have been able to overcome a lot of fears. But I can't talk to people when I really need to sometimes. I can order food. I can even stutter through a powerpoint presentation (though often not without hurting myself or having some sort of mental breakdown the night before.) But one thing I just can not do, no matter how important it feels, is ask to see a doctor. Which with all these issues just makes them feel magnified. I am terrified of asking him. And any time I try to bring up something important to my dad, it's like it is just blocked and I can't. My friends will sometimes tell me I need to get help. Sometimes they seem concerned. There have been times I've tried to find answers online, and it feels like the most common advice (understandably so) is always, "see a doctor."

And I feel bad because I know it is good advice and I do want to see a doctor. Sometimes I feel like I will die. Sometimes I will be in intense pain. But it is as if I can't say anything. I think "maybe I will die and it will all be over," or "I would rather die than inconvenience my family with this," or whatever other thing. Sometimes I feel I deserve the pain, that it is some form of karma, or my fault for not trying hard enough to prevent it. This also discourages me from seeking help. Sometimes I will finally find a private moment, sometimes my dad will finally bring up the idea of a doctor, sometimes I will finally get the courage to bring up something I am struggling with. And nothing happens. Nothing is done. It hurts to finally make a breakthrough, only for it to change nothing.

Sometimes I have to be selfish. It is the only way to keep myself alive sometimes. I need to tell myself I deserve better, because often nobody else will. But I often have doubts. I paid for my own therapy (not good therapy, it was basically just a messaging service) for months before quitting because I didn't like spending hundreds of my own dollars a month on it to more or less get nowhere. I keep making online stores and tip jars and whatever I can, but people very rarely buy anything, and promoting my work just makes me feel ashamed because the money could be going to somebody worse off than me. I struggle not to use money supporting others, because I feel like they deserve it more than I do. It is hard not to feel this intense shame at the thought of saving money for my own well-being. And I know I can't expect anything back from the world if I am not willing to give it at least a little.

I am tired of my dad. I want to move out, but my job doesn't pay enough for that to work. I was thinking maybe I could get into making youtube videos, but my voice just sounds all wrong. These past few years I have been learning more about how being autistic affects me, and it hurts. My family is always making ableist jokes and I have to pretend they don't apply to me. I can't get support. I can't let them know. My dad will make jokes about how autistic (and other disabled) people act and move and talk. My younger brother will refer to them as slurs sometimes. There is nothing I can do to make my life easier that won't also make it harder in some other way. Whether they know it or not, it will hurt me. And that is why I wish I can move out somehow.

I am also distraught on finding love. I want to have a partner one day so bad. But it feels like there are so many extra steps for me. I am scared of driving, and it is hard to find anybody who lives close enough that I'd feel comfortable going to meet up. I have s/h scars, so if I ever want to be more intimate with somebody, or even just go f*cking swimming (and by swimming I just mean go in water... I cannot swim) , I'd have to pop up some disclaimer somewhere along the way. I don't know if I'd ever want to bring up my system at all, that just feels like it'd be too much for somebody. And I know there are people out there with these same issues that have managed to find love! But I can't help feeling it just won't come for me. And it hurts. I struggle to even make friends, how am I supposed to find a partner???

In the past I have had a lot of experiences that I don't even know what was going on. Flashes in vision, my vision blurring, my thighs going numb to the point I am scared of losing control of bodily functions (it has not happened thankfully, but still was scary), me falling after losing feeling in my leg, me getting randomly confused and distraught for no reason other than my perception of reality seeming to bend, hallucinations (visual, tactile, olfactory, and auditory, though admittedly most were not as intense as I've heard others experience.)

A lot of my symptoms just come for a few months and leave. Some will show up for a day and leave. When I was 4 I forgot how to talk and when I was 9 I'd wake up screaming and crying from night terrors. I used to have trypophobia that would make me start crying. I would freak out to my parents because I saw the pictures on the wall blink and smile at me. I sometimes will lose control of my legs for a second if I hear loud sounds or if somebody touches my back.

Nothing was done. Ever! No treatments or medications besides allergy medicine for allergies, cold medicine for colds, and inhalers/nebulizer for asthma. It just feels as if my entire life has been one of those horror movies where nobody believes or acknowledges what I am saying or experiencing. My life is a psychological horror.

But still people will joke about "the voices" and start mockingly shaking when talking about flashing lights and jokingly call people "it". Sometimes I can't even tell when people are serious about experiencing symptoms or just joking about a medical condition. How am I supposed to get help when every physical and mental disability is treated like a (not) silly comedy act. I feel so frustrated. I am forced to live in shame. Shame of being part of the people my family loves to joke about and shame of not having confidence to stand up for them or myself.

I am not at a spot where I can survive on my own. There is nobody else I can go to. I do not have any irl friends I can go to. I am stuck in this family pretending to be somebody I am not. I do not have a choice. I have been trying to make another path for myself, it is just so hard. I am hoping one day I will figure it all out and make up for all the bad things my family has said that I'm too cowardly to confront them about. If anybody read this, thank you, I appreciate it a lot, and I am sorry for so much negativity lately! Hopefully my next post will be happier.